Wow, y’all. Just wow. Today, a year ago I posted my very first blog post. It was messy, my site hadn’t even been set up yet, and it was terrifying. Blogging had been something I had wanted to do for awhile, I just never had the courage. Blogging is one of the biggest parts of my life right now. It’s a stress relief, it brings me joy, it makes me proud. I could go on and on about how much I love blogging; but first, I want to share the messy and not so great things.
I get discouraged fairly often. I’ve written about this briefly in a previous post, but I touched very lightly on it. It is so easy, y’all, to feel like no one cares whether or not I post a blog. It’s easy to feel like I am the only one that cares. It’s easy to feel like I’m not making a difference at all. It’s easy to think these dark, dark thoughts. They cultivate and breed and pretty soon they take over my mind completely. Those thoughts become so dark that I lose sight of what matters and what blogging really is about. Honestly, this is a selfish blog. I write because it’s about making me feel better. But please know that while this is for me, I do also write for y’all. I am not the type of person who does useless things. I am always trying to be productive and produce the best results I can. I want other people to read my selfish posts, (obviously the serious posts) and learn. I hope people can see my journey with mental illness and find hope. I pray that when y’all visit my blog, you don’t feel attacked, but accepted. Loved even. I am here for you.
I get anxious after posting a blog. Actually if I’m being honest, I am always anxious. I’m literally a ball of anxiety 24/7. Picture those windup toys we used to have when we were little. The ones where you twisted their backs and they vibrated and only moved like two centimeters forward. Yeah, that me. All the time, just a jittery mess. It is something that I am working on and my anxiety is a part of me, I’ve accepted it. But while blogging is supposed to be safe for me and relieving for me, it can cause me anxiety. Which doesn’t make much sense because as I said above, I am literally always anxious. But what I mean is that when my anxiety has an external cause it can either help or make it worse. All of this depends on where I am at mentally. Flash back to this past spring, I couldn’t blog because I was in too dark of a place. Even just trying to write a rough draft caused me too much anxiety. This anxiety can easily and in most cases lead to stress. Especially when I have class to keep up because as we all know school is stressful. So blogging is something I love and when I can’t write because of anxiety it brings on dark thoughts. This sounds like an awful cycle but honestly it’s my life. The joy blogging brings me is worth it.
Blogging, or social network in general, forces me to walk a very thin line between what is real and what is not. I have to keep my self worth in focus at all times. Instagram probably plays the biggest role in this tight walk. I have to constantly keep in mind that the number of likes I get on a post does not determine my self worth. Whether I get one like or one hundred likes, I am still beautiful. I love posting pictures on my Instagram, my theme is something that I use as a creative outlet. I love taking pictures and making them correspond into my feed. It looks cool and I love that. I have self-confidence and that is my biggest strength when walking this tight rope. Instagram is easier sometimes for me than blogging, because with my personal blog I am raw. I am nothing but 100% honest with my struggles. Where as on Instagram or insert whichever social media applies, I can hide. I don’t have to be honest. I can post a picture with a funny caption and pretend. I just try my best to keep in mind that sometimes people who don’t read my blog and only follow me on Instagram won’t ever get to understand me and that’s okay.
Frustration is a feeling that I am all too familiar with. I get frustrated when a post that I put a lot of effort and heart into doesn’t get a lot of views. I get frustrated that some of my close friends and even family don’t read my blog posts. I get frustrated when I hear someone call me superficial simply because of an Instagram caption. Frustrated because if they clicked the link in my bio, they would see that I am a messy, raw, and broken person. I’m frustrated that people don’t care enough. I get frustrated with myself that I let these things frustrate me. I have no wise comment about this feeling. Its frustration and it’s a life long battle. We deal with it, right?
Okay so that’s enough negativity. How about the good things?
I remember the first post I made and the feelings it brought me. Happiness, pure happiness. Anxiety, but in the mild form of butterflies. Pride, because I had finally reached my dreams. Hope, because maybe this could mean something to someone. Love and support, from everyone who clicked on that very first post, especially to those who commented encouragement. In that first month of posting my mind was going to explode from all of the thoughts and feelings I had. Because I had finally had an outlet. Somewhere for my voice to go. An audience that I felt and still feel is willing to listen. I went from makeup tips to dark and serious posts almost immediately.
Mainly, I started this blog to share makeup tips. Deep down though, I wanted it to be more. I selfishly wanted an audience to open up to about my mental illnesses. To those of you battling your own, you know how hard it is to be open about what is going on in your mind. Those of you who have opened up know it’s hard but rewarding. I encourage those of you who haven’t to be honest with those closest to you about what you are struggling with. It can be scary. Wait no, it IS scary. Especially if it is a self-diagnosed mental illness. That of course comes with it’s own challenges and it’s something that I am currently writing a post about. Anyways, yes open yourself up. It doesn’t have to be quite as public as blog, but if that’s what help, then go for it. Write a letter. Draw a picture. Have this discussion over coffee. Wherever or however, just get it out. You will benefit.
I love y’all. I know that sounds weird and I never thought I would express love over a blog like this, but I truly do love y’all. Anyone and everyone reading this, I hope you know you are loved by me. I appreciate y’all who read my every post. I appreciate and love each and everyone of you more than you know. I write for me, as I’ve said a thousand times, but I write for y’all. I write from a place of love and positivity. I write in hopes of helping y’all. Even if it is only help with a little makeup tip or what to wear. I want to help.
I want to inspire y’all. I want to help, inspire, bring joy & positivity, love, and acceptance. It is my hope that y’all can read that through my posts. I would like to thank you for reading my posts. I thank those of you who have been reading since my very first post a year ago. Thank you to those of you who just started reading my blog today. Thank you to those who’ve commented words of encouragement. Thank you to those who’ve shared my posts, whether that be through the internet or in a conversation with someone. Thank you for reading. Thank you for clicking the link to my blog. Thank you for being alive. Thank you for reminding me what does and does not matter. Thank you for your support. I can’t express enough how much it means to me.
I hope to be blogging for a very long time. Thanks y’all for taking this journey with me.