As y’all know, my mental health has not been the best, (that’s an understatement). I have struggled with depression and the seemingly endless darkness that was my life for two and half years. I am struggling with anxiety, although through medication and counseling, I am kicking anxiety’s ass. My ADD is a lifelong battle, but I manage to conquer that daily.
Throughout my depression, I felt hopeless and weak. I felt weak because I only saw myself as a victim of sexual assault. I felt weak because I was too afraid to utter the simple word “no” and had too much taken from me in one night. I felt weak because I was complacent, “content” to let the darkness win by keeping it inside of me instead of letting it out. I felt weak, in so many heartbreaking ways. I felt undeserving of life and happiness. I contemplated suicide because I felt like I was the biggest disappointment to my parents. I let these dark thoughts stay, fester, and multiply into depression. Happiness was fleeting because I believed that I would never be happy.
Counseling is something I started this semester and through my counseling, I have learned to see myself as a survivor of sexual assault. I am strong. I am strong because I didn’t let the darkness keep me. I am strong because I deserve life. I am strong because I love myself. I am strong because I have forgiven the man who assaulted me. I am strong because I am happy. I am strong because I want to live. I am strong because I deserve love and I know that I will find my person who will love me because of my strength. I am strong because Christ has paid it all and made me new again. I am strong, strong, strong. I will no longer tell myself differently.
I am living. Y’all I am living because I want to. I wake up each day grateful that I am still here. I wake up each day, grateful that I didn’t make the choice to take my own life. I wake up each day, not always happy, but determined to find brightness in every aspect of my day. I wake up each day, take my medication, and feel strong because I am battling a chemical imbalance. I am not weak because I need people. I am not weak because I need medication.
I am not weak because I am a survivor.
I hope no one has to go through what I went through. I wouldn’t wish my pain on anyone. I wouldn’t be the person I am today without my experiences though, and I happen to like my heart, regardless of the scars. A lot of my poor mental health comes from my sexual assault, I won’t deny that, but I am choosing each day to move on. I am choosing to not let that define me, and instead focus on the way God has glorified himself in my suffering. I am blessed in my suffering.
I am strong and messy, but I am happy.