Hey y’all! Long time no post, I know. I apologize for my absence, I truly feel like I’m doing this too much. But to be honest, I’m not doing that great mentally. I know, it’s like “damn Heidi, does it ever end with you?” The answer is no, it doesn’t. I’m a chill person with a shit ton of anxiety which manifests in crippling ways as soon as I get somewhat of a handle on it. It’s great honestly, I love it.
No, sarcasm aside, this semester hasn’t been easy. I started off this semester getting little to no sleep and it’s been a downward spiral since then. I can’t get a handle on my emotions and stress because lack of sleep. Then my anxiety gets worse because I know I should be sleeping more, but I can’t turn my brain off. It’s exhausting. I have to come clean with y’all. This past spring I heavily advocated for the benefits of counseling.I still do, don’t get me wrong. But this past summer, I didn’t have counseling, I “dealt” with it. And I truly did focus on positivity, but the underlying issues never got solved because I didn’t have anyone to talk it out with. My brain is and has been for six months now, a constant state of chaos. You’re probably wondering why I’m not in counseling right now and boy isn’t that a great question. I can’t logically answer that question. I’ve been telling myself since September 5th that I need to get back into counseling, hell, I’ve had the paperwork filled out since September 11th. But it’s still remaining hidden in my drawer. Out of sight out of mind, right?
I want to go back to counseling, but I also don’t. I think maybe, I’ll feel like I’m taking a step back, which is completely illogical because I know how healthy counseling is. Or maybe I’m worried that I’ll finally have to deal with this sadness/anxiety that’s been brewing these past six months. Or maybe it’s that my old counselor got laid off and I don’t want to open up to another person, regardless of how much I know vulnerability helps. Or maybe I’m just scared. Whatever the reason is, feels monumental. Like a wall that I can’t freaking break down. I must reiterate that all of these thoughts are completely illogical. Counseling is GOOD. It’s healthy, it’s not a step back. I want to go back. I just can’t bring myself to open that damn door.
I apologize for the lack of positivity here, but I promise I’m trying to make a point. As humans, we’re great at making excuses for our behaviors, hell if this was a competition, I bet I’d be at the top of list. My parents used to tell me that I should be a defense attorney with the amount of excuses I can come up with. It’s a defense mechanism. We want to protect to our ego and as Freud (or really his daughter, Anna Freud) helpfully supplied, we use defense mechanisms. They’re coping strategies that help deal with unwanted thoughts and anxieties. “hi it me, using defense mechanisms bc i don’t wanna deal with what’s really going on.” As a psych major, I can logically look at the stupidity of my actions. Like, y’all, I realize how dumb I’m being. If I want to get better, i.e., get some sleep at night, not feel like there’s an impending doom waiting, or just clean up after myself, then I need to get my ass back into counseling. I know. But what I’ve realized, is that emotions, aren’t freaking logical and its frustrating.
I think I’ve lost my point and I really just needed to update y’all to reiterate that I’m not perfect and I have issues man. so many. But my hope is that, putting it out there I need to get to counseling, into the universe, that I will finally freaking do it. Also, I’m gonna share some positive quotes because I need all of the good vibes I can get. Like literally all of them, I type all of this while resting my tangerine quartz (healing) and selenite wand (mental clarity) crystals on my leg because I am desperate. I do want to let y’all know that you’re not alone. I’ve said it before but I also say it when I’m not actively in a dark season. But here I am, hurting and struggling to get mentally healthy, right there with y’all. We are not alone. You are not alone. We got this.
Also here’s a visual representation of anxiety from three different perspectives that my friends Denita, Jen, and I painted on the same canvas.
“She would be a new person, she vowed. They said no matter how far a mule travels it can never come back a horse, but she would show them all.” -Junot Diaz
“The need for change bulldozed a road down the center of my mind.” -Maya Angelou
This fun little quote that’s from my KNOCK KNOCK Journal:
“I’m doing my best. A journal in which to prove that despite any indications to the contrary I am constantly working on myself and trying to become the very best me even though it’s a much slower and harder process than Oprah and Deepak would have me believe and while I would sometimes prefer just to swallow a pill or have a personality transplant I will keep plugging away at this infernal self-improvement thing until I’ve done so well I can come back in my next life as a golden retriever.”
Thanks for reading.