Happy new year y’all! Ya know, I do a lot of reflections on this blog. Almost too many, like I’m annoying myself. I mean, honestly heidi, how many more times can you reflect this year. I write at least two reflections a year because of the change in semesters and then usually one more because apparently, I can’t stop. But I again, always surprise myself with the amount of new information I learn while reflecting. I guess what I’m trying to get across is that it’s important to ask yourself “why?”. And I apparently love talking about my shit show of a life.
I was looking back through my old blog posts to read what I wrote in regards to a new year and I came up short. In 2014 into 2015 I didn’t write anything about it. I transitioned as if nothing changed, I posted a concealer dupe (which if you haven’t read it yet, I suggest you check it out. shameless plug i know). But I mean, according to that Heidi, nothing did change. At least not in any ways that were worth reflecting on. That sounds harsh, but I think it was just that. I naively didn’t think I had changed that much and to be fair, I hadn’t changed because I didn’t want to. But speaking from the Humanistic perspective of psychology, I had to have been progressing forward in some way; so I would say I succeeded in hardening my heart, but that moved me forward in life. The next year, 2015 into 2016 I wrote briefly on the new year, but it really about the reasons I read Young Adult books. I noticed a change in myself then but really only because I had to. I was thrown so much adversity that I had to adapt. I didn’t have a choice. I think mostly I was realizing how important change is and why it matters. Along with that, I was also forced to come to terms in with having anxiety, I stepped away from labeling it “social anxiety” and really accepted that this is something I’ll have to live for the rest of my life.
Now in the transition from 2016 into 2017, I’m having a lot of feelings. I have changed so very much. But like, when I think about 2016 I feel incredibly proud of myself. I think mostly because I’ve allowed myself to be real on here. Like for example, when I first started blogging, I was very particular in the words I used. I wouldn’t use slang terms, such as “gotta”, “like”, “it’s”, “wanna”, “lol”, etc,. Which I think because I felt like there needed to be a certain level of “professionalism” or I needed to feel like I knew what I was talking about. But sometime this year it shifted. I couldn’t refrain from using those words when I’m literally explaining my inability to function in daily life. I don’t know something about that felt fake. Like “here let me explain in immense detail what anxiety feels like in words that I don’t really use in everyday life.” I guess I learned this year that if I’m going to be honest on here, then I need to be honest in the way I talk. Yeah, I don’t have to say “fuck” every other word (not that I do that in everyday life, wink wink), but I do think that it enables me to connect more with my voice. And in return, it hopefully enables y’all to connect better with me, instead of feeling like you’re reading a robots words.
Feeling proud of myself this year really stems from the honesty about my sexual assault. That was probably my biggest moment of 2016. I had been living for three almost four years of this immense guilt and shame inside of me. Harboring it and only sharing it with a few people. I didn’t even share it with my mom or really any of my family members until 2016. I truly have my counselor to thank for that. Her words strengthened me and they are repeated almost daily.
I don’t wanna drag this out to be a super long post because I’m honestly exhausted and I need to take a bubble bath, but I do want to point out some of my favorite things, including blog posts that happened this year.
My post Valentine’s Day is my first favorite of the year. It’s my favorite mostly because I still stand by my words, but also because it’s the first blog post my older sister texted me about. I know that’s weird. But I also know that as a mom of four kids she doesn’t have the time to read all of my blogs, but something about this one made her click and read it. She texted me and told me that she needed to hear those words and that it did make her feel better. Just her simple text seriously made me have a lil bit of happy tears, only because I value her and I want her to like my words. Sorry if that doesn’t make any sense at all, it’s just that I feel like we have people in our lives that we’ll always value their opinion more than others. While talking about my sister, I’d like to point out that I am insanely grateful I have gotten so close to her this year. I’ve always been her lil baby, but times get weird and being 10 years apart means that we live very different lives. But this year, in her words, I became her “fifth child”. Over the summer I would literally be at her house every day and it felt so good to always feel welcomed there. I don’t know, we just get each other, as friends, not just sisters. I remember one night over the summer we stayed up until 11:30 or 12 talking. Explaining things to each other about our lives, like you do with friends because we’re not willing to settle for just sisters. I’m getting high key sad thinking about this summer because I miss being at her house every day.
The fact that I randomly cut my hair this year was also a cool thing. I’ve had so much fun this entire year experimenting with new colors and in all honesty, it’s because I’ve given up control of my hair. Once I realized that it was just hair and it will grow back, it took so much weight off of my shoulders. Especially because my mom is my hair stylist and I don’t want to cause her any more stress. My hope is that she’s able to express herself freely while doing my hair. We collaborate on different hairstyles but I always tell her that she can do whatever she wants. I want her to have fun with it.
My post Climb High, quickly explained where I was at with my anxiety and I felt for the first time like I had good news to share with y’all. Instead of talking more about anxiety being bad, I was finally able to tell y’all that I was doing good. That’s exciting and still is. Especially because I’m learning to not let my current state take away from my past successes.
My post Why I’m Single is easily one of my favorites, mostly because so many people reached out to me after that and told me they related so deeply to my feelings. That felt good. More than good, though it felt rewarding. In the sense that through my vulnerability, people were able to feel validated. That’s important and usually rare. So when I know that my simple words, breed out of a little bit of bitterness and spite, led others to feel understood, I feel incredibly proud of myself.
My I am Living post is easily one of my proudest moments of 2016. It’s sorta self-explanatory, but that post is really close to my heart.
My summer job was actually pretty neat because it was basically exposure therapy for my anxiety. I worked on the phones so I had to get over myself and my fear of talking on the phone. It was exhausting but rewarding. Along with that, I worked at the same office with my second older sister and we built a friendship as well. I was with her for six hours every day of the week but still. I know we established a friendship. I’ve been working at the office while at home for break and we’ve jumped back into our friendship like nothing has changed. She’s a boss ass bitch and I love her.
Fall of 2016 was pretty much a shit show. So much went wrong, I had so many let downs because I stupidly had too many expectations for myself and others. It wasn’t a waste because I learned so much. Mainly, I’m figuring out what I’m willing to suffer for. I’ll suffer for a lot in the name of pursuing my dreams. But it’s important to find the little bits of joy in the suffering. Suffering doesn’t necessarily have to be what you think it is, painful and drear, like a literal black cloud is over you. No, you can make it what you want. Yeah there are things that you can’t control, like class assignments, other people’s emotions, others’ expectations, etc, but you can control your reaction, so I try to focus on that.
I realize I kinda flew through the end of the year, but that’s because I just wrote a reflection on this past semester. In that, I do talk quite a bit about this fall and why it was painful. So I don’t want to really dwell on that anymore. I want to look towards the future. I want to get my hope back. I want to understand that there will always be problems, but it’s figuring out which problems actually matter the most, those are what I want to focus on. I want to be a better Heidi tomorrow than I was today and so forth. Thank you for reading y’all. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Make 2017 your bitch and the year of good vibes!
I just wanna share some quotes that I have saved from the year. They may not be my favorite currently, but I saved them for a reason.
might make them angry
it will make you free.
– if no one has ever told you,
your freedom is
more important than their anger.”
― Nayyirah Waheed, salt.
i’m really sick of the ‘male/female’ natural interest dichotomy. growing up, males are asked to go help fix cars and mow lawns etc. and females aren’t. then, as you get older, men laugh like ‘lol u don’t even know what a radiator is’ and it’s like no we weren’t socialised to ‘like’ that stuff. it’s not because we’re naturally bad at mechanics or physical labour – it’s because we were never taught. they don’t teach us as children but patronize us when, as adults, we don’t know much about it. –source
“Now I know grief is a whetstone that sharpens all your love, all your happiest memories, into blades that tear you apart from within. Something has been torn out from inside me that will never be filled up, not ever, no matter how long I live. They say “time heals,” but even now, less than a week after my father’s death, I know that’s a lie. What people really mean is that eventually you’ll get used to the pain. You’ll forget who you were without it; you’ll forget what you looked like without your scars.”
― Claudia Gray, A Thousand Pieces of You
“This, I think, is the boundary line of adulthood. Not the crap they claim it is- graduating from high school or losing your virginity or getting your first apartment or whatever. You cross the boundary the first time you’re changed forever. You cross it the first time you know you can never go back.”
― Claudia Gray, A Thousand Pieces of You
“And finally, to girls everywhere, I am with you. On nights when you feel alone, I am with you. When people doubt you or dismiss you, I am with you. I fought everyday for you. So never stop fighting, I believe you. As the author Anne Lamott once wrote, “Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining.” Although I can’t save every boat, I hope that by speaking today, you absorbed a small amount of light, a small knowing that you can’t be silenced, a small satisfaction that justice was served, a small assurance that we are getting somewhere, and a big, big knowing that you are important, unquestionably, you are untouchable, you are beautiful, you are to be valued, respected, undeniably, every minute of every day, you are powerful and nobody can take that away from you. To girls everywhere, I am with you. Thank you.” -Standford Sexual Assault Victim
“But then it passed, as all things do.”
― Khaled Hosseini, And the Mountains Echoed