(Possible trigger warning ahead)
These paranoid thoughts keep destroying what little self confidence I have left and I keep trying to silence them but every time they fight back with “you’re not enough, you’re not enough, you’re not enough.” Constantly reminding me of my insufficiencies. I overthink every single social interaction,
thinking knowing that I said something wrong, that my last sentence to them will finally be the nail in the coffin of our friendship. When my professor doesn’t ask me to do a specific task I immediately see my incompetence, they don’t like me anymore. When photographers don’t post a picture of me, I hear “you’re not enough” and “you thought you were pretty?” Every single interaction is riding on the belief that this, these next five minutes, five seconds, determine my self worth, my value, my capabilities. That if I fuck up again, if I forget to text someone, if I wait too long to reply, if I do anything by accident, I’ve failed. I hear they don’t need me, want me, like me, or love me.
I pull away out of fear. I pull away to avoid disappointing them. If I don’t engage then I don’t have the lady screaming in my head that I’m not enough. I don’t hear that I’ve ruined another friendship, relationship, impression. If I pull away and don’t interact, I haven’t failed because I haven’t tried. But when I pull away, I have failed because they wish I made them a priority, showed that they matter, that they’re loved. The lady in my head doesn’t let me win because she keeps winning, because she yells “you’re weak, worthless, selfish.” She claws, digs, and stabs and doesn’t let go. But I will fight until I silence her, because she doesn’t deserve to win. She doesn’t deserve to take away my life, my friends, my joy, myself. She doesn’t deserve to tell me that I don’t matter, that I’m not enough, that I don’t have value, she doesn’t deserve to win. I will not let anxiety win.
I don’t really know why I’m typing an outro to this piece I’ve written. I think mostly because I’m afraid for being as raw as I was. I feel the need to explain away my words written above, but I cannot. They are there because my anxiety has been a little worse than usual. I typed them last night after many many tears that had been waiting to fall for awhile. I needed to get out what exactly anxiety has been telling me. But I can’t do this alone. I’m only going to be able to do this with the help of my close friends, prayer, and determination.
Thank you for reading.